


Biting Down

by SourFox



Series: Monsters have Reasons [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Supernatural Elements, Attempt at Humor, Gen, M/M, Zombies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-05
Updated: 2016-02-23
Packaged: 2018-05-18 09:22:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5922247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SourFox/pseuds/SourFox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kakashi enjoys his quiet life. He likes his job, his landlord doesn’t bother him and his self-formulated diet keeps him slim and healthy. </p><p>All of that changes when an undead teenager appears in his morgue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Bad Day Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> This in't something I would usually write. Most of the stories I write just die away in the forgotten pits of my hard drive, but I'm trying to change that and share some of my work. This is also unbeta'd.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This in't something I would usually write. Most of the stories I write just die away in the forgotten pits of my hard drive, but I'm trying to change that and share some of my work. This is also unbeta'd.

Kakashi was lost. Not literally. Well, that was debatable, he didn’t know what park he was currently in, but he was certain he could find his way again. Kakashi was lost in the sea that was his thoughts. Slumped down on a bench with his arms and legs stretched out, and his head tipped back, he watched the clouds roll on by overhead. He had classical music which he couldn’t name playing through his earphones. It was easy to get lost in one’s thoughts like that. Kakashi’s thoughts were simple. Most people liked to wallow around in the sea of their thoughts and most of the time down in them. Other people tried to devote all their energy to solving the world’s problems. Not him. He was a simple man, with simple needs. 

One of those simple needs happened to be brains. Yes, brains. Kakashi, by some miracle, or curse, was undead. Now, he knew it sounded crazy, in the beginning, he thought so too, but now, a few decades down the line, it sounded quite plausible. He wasn’t just any kind of undead either; he was of the zombie variety. That was where the needs for brains came in. Kakashi ate them. Brains sustained him. It wasn’t like he couldn’t eat anything else; it was just that after a while without any brains in his diet, he got a bit more zombie-like.

A loud screech caught his attention. Kakashi knew it was most likely a kid and not a horde of zombies descending upon the populace of Konoha. He looked back down to the park anyway. A group of kids were playing in the fountain, nothing too interesting. Now that he thought about it, a horde of zombies descending upon Konoha was a very bad idea. He would have to start making zombie friends and fight them off for his share of human brains. He didn’t want to have to fight over his food. He didn’t want to make zombie friends. He was perfectly happy being the only zombie that he knew of.

With some effort, Kakashi slung his arm off of the bench and looked at his watch. He was late for work. Not that it could _go_ anywhere, but his boss would give him another lecture, and if he left now, that is if he could find his way back, he might be able to slip in without anyone being the wiser.

Kakashi sat up and carded his fingers through his hair. A group of mothers sent disapproving looks his way. He didn’t care much. His hair was grey and looked unkempt from the way it stuck up at odd angles, but his hair had always been like that, undead or alive. His skin was pale and it contrasted with a dark ring under his eye. Yes, eye, singular. He actually had two eyes, but nobody else needed to know that, so he kept his left eye covered with an eye patch.

The mothers were looking at Kakashi again. He smiled and gave them a lazy, but a friendly wave in greeting. Naturally, they turned their attention elsewhere. He got up and started walking in the direction he assumed he came from. He couldn’t really remember. He was certain he’d find his way back to a familiar part of town eventually. Kakashi was now more observant of his surroundings than he was before. He was in the upper-class part of town. It was no wonder nothing looked familiar.

Kakashi ambled back to work. In the end, he was forty minutes late, but he managed to slip in without Senior Superintendent Nara or Tsunade, his boss, knowing. Out of the two, he was more scared of Tsunade. There was really no competition there - lazy genius chief of police versus crazy strong head medical examiner. He was pretty sure that Tsunade would win. As far as bosses went, Tsunade was one of better ones he’s worked with. She had no problem with him, other than his punctuality issues. She also knew that he was a zombie, and she was fine with it. Shikaku knew as well. Nothing got past that man, seriously. He allowed Kakashi to eat the brains of approved cadavers, and Tsunade worked on a cure to turn him human again.

Kakashi’s life at that moment in time wasn’t so bad. He enjoyed his job at the police station’s morgue, which was also his personal brain buffet. His boss was good to him. He lived in a comfortable apartment, and his landlord didn’t ask questions. Life was good. With a sigh, he took out his earphones and shrugged on his white lab coat. It was time to get to work.

Kakashi regarded the body on the exam table. It looked like a young man, possibly a teenager. Not bad looking for a dead boy, nice black hair, good cheekbones and a straight nose. Really, the boy was possibly very popular when he was alive, because now, dead and on an examination table, it was hard to overlook the deep lacerations along his jaw and down his neck.

With the body’s paperwork in hand, Kakashi skimmed over the information. The boy was Sasuke Uchiha. Eighteen years old. Found in an alley early that morning. The cause of death was unknown. Found in possession of a slime covered knife, salt and his wallet. Kakashi sighed. He hated working with teenagers and kids. Kids came into the morgue less often than teenagers, but that didn’t make him feel any better.

“Dinner is in the fridge.”

Kakashi looked over his shoulder. Tsunade took off her coat and swapped it for her lab coat. She didn’t look too happy. He wasn’t about to ask her. If she wanted to talk about it, she would.

“Thanks,” he said. “I’ll have some a bit later. Do you know anything about this one?” He motioned towards the body with a nudge of the clipboard.

“No, I haven’t…” Tsunade stopped and stared at the body. “What did you do?”

Kakashi blinked. “Sorry?”

“The body,” she started, eyes wide, “was mangled, Kakashi, face included. They were only able to identify it because of the wallet in the back pocket. So, what did you do? Please tell me you didn’t… didn’t turn him.”

“I didn’t do anything!” Kakashi stressed. “I haven’t even touched it yet. I got here ten minutes ago. I found it like that, I swear. I don’t even know _how_ I became a zombie, wait, no, I do know, but we’re missing a few key elements, one being a centuries-old mummy! I don’t even know how to _make_ someone else one!”

Tsunade let out a sound of frustration. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions.”

She frowned and walked over to the exam table to get a better look at the body. She also gave Kakashi a terrifying glare. It was a problem. Kakashi was now, possibly, not the only undead being in existence. He started to think of ways they’d have to smuggle the body out if it really was undead. That would be a pickle. There was an entire station of policemen above them, so smuggling out a body would be a toughie.

“Alright, this is what we’ll do,” Tsunade started, “we’ll keep the body on the table and make detailed observations of what happens. I’ll go inform Shikaku.”

“Right,” Kakashi murmured. He wasn’t entirely comfortable with making observations on the regenerating corpse, all by himself. Sure, he was undead, but that didn’t really make him feel any better when looking at the corpse of Sasuke Uchiha. Maybe it would wake up and eat him. It was entirely plausible. There had to be something that ate zombies, the circle of life -or undead- and the food chain and whatnot. “I’ll just stay here and keep our new friend company.”

“Don’t forget to record everything,” Tsunade said as she left the morgue.

*******

Kakashi spent hours watching the corpse heal itself. It wasn’t a quick process. It was slow and boring. So, he decided to take his lunch break and sat on a stool next to the corpse eating his brain fried rice. It was tastier that it sounded. Tsunade was horrified at the food he would make with brains, but she was slowly getting used to it. He knew she expected him to eat it raw and fresh from the skull, but that really got old quickly. Imagine eating one thing for the rest of your life, even if it was your favourite food. You’d get sick of it eventually.

Kakashi was quite impressed with what he could do with brains. If there was ever such a thing as a zombie community, he liked to entertain the idea that he would make quite a bit of money by opening a restaurant that catered to zombies. Maybe it wouldn’t work. Maybe he was the only zombie with taste buds, maybe proper zombies didn’t have taste buds and could only ingest brains. That was one of the critical problems that could make or break his imaginary restaurant. The other was the procurement of fresh brains. That also posed a big problem.

A drawn out nasal sound emanated from the corpse. Kakashi froze with his chopsticks halfway to his mouth. He sat there, in that awkward position, listening. Maybe he had imagined it. That was entirely possible; he imagined things all the time. Sometimes he thought he felt like there was someone watching him, other times; he thought his pug, Pakkun, could talk. The latter was impossible, implausible. It wasn’t that much of a stretch that he would imagine the corpse making noises. Besides, the corpse didn’t make a sound since.

“Oh,” Kakashi sighed, “I need to buy dog food.”

Kakashi smiled. He almost forgot. Pakkun would’ve been very upset with him. He continued to eat and then washed out his bowl in the sink next to the mini fridge. There was a small notepad stuck to the fridge with a cartoon slug magnet. He wrote dog food underneath eggplants. Kakashi often used it for his shopping lists, even though Tsunade insisted it should only be used for work-related matters. Kakashi considered it work related in the sense that if he didn’t buy the things on his shopping list, he’d never get to work. He glanced at the clock. His break was just about over. He hummed a nonsensical tune and pulled on a new pair of gloves. There were lots of others things he would rather be doing, like read his Icha Icha books, but he’d lost one book a few days ago. He thought Tsunade had locked it away somewhere. He would find it sooner or later. He had to examine the body again, and record any new developments, because if he didn’t, he was sure Tsunade would kill him, or, at least, try to.

Kakashi first looked at the lacerations on the body’s neck and jaw. They were shallower, but still a long way from fully healed. It was progress. He pulled off the sheet covering the body. Nothing much had changed there either. A rib was still protruding from the chest and showed no signs of going back in. Kakashi had the idea that it wouldn’t go back in unless he pushed it back, then it would start healing. It was an idea only; he wasn’t very keen on trying it out. If something went wrong, he would get all the blame, but he was curious. Nothing good ever came from him being curious. They say that curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back. Kakashi’s curiosity got him killed and the satisfaction made him undead.

With the next few moments spent debating with himself, Kakashi poked the protruding rib. The corpse showed no reaction. If it worked, he could just tell Tsunade that the corpse healed itself.

“It’s now or never, Hatake,” he whispered to himself.

Kakashi took a deep breath and positioned himself and pushed the rib back in. There was a chorus of wet and crunching noises, but nothing else. Blood didn’t gush everywhere, and the rib didn’t go right through the corpse. All that was left was the wound of broken skin and muscle. Kakashi felt rather impressed with himself. The rest of the torso was still a mess of deep gouges of torn skin and muscle.

There was another nasal sound. It almost sounded like a moan. Not a zombie moan, it more like a moan a person would make when they woke up first thing in the morning and all they wanted to do was go back to sleep. Kakashi stepped away from the corpse and looked around. He was the only one in the morgue, well, the only living thing. That wasn’t the right way to say it, but he was more alive than the other dozen corpses currently in the morgue.

There was another moan, softer this time. Kakashi got closer to the corpse and listened intently. Nothing. He bent over the corpse and felt for a pulse. There was none. He felt for the faintest hint of a breath and again there was nothing. Maybe he had just imagined it.

 _At least I’m not seeing things,_ he thought. 

While he was on that thought, Kakashi remembered that he hadn’t checked the eyes. He bent down closer to the corpse and parted the eyelids. The iris was a bright red, and the pupil was definitely not a human. It was cat-like. Kakashi took out a small flashlight he kept in his pocket, switched it on and moved the light over the eye. The pupil didn’t respond in any way.

“Well, that’s that,” Kakashi murmured.

Kakashi looked at the corpse’s face on last time. He frowned. He could’ve sworn he saw a twitch just now. He leaned in for a closer look. The corpse’s eyes shot open and it sat up. Kakashi was so surprised that he had no time to react and the corpse head-butted him. He stumbled back with his hands pressed to his forehead. If he was fully human, he would’ve had to have been worried about a concussion, but luckily he wasn’t.

“Ooowww,” Kakashi moaned. It hurt, badly. Being human or undead didn’t change how he felt pain. “That hurts.”

“Who are you?”

Kakashi forgot all about his pain. It was still there, but he had more important things to worry about, like a talking, half healed corpse sitting upright on the exam table.

 _What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?_ Kakashi asked himself.

“Um, hi.” Kakashi took a hand away from his head and gave the corpse a half-assed wave.

The corpse, no, Sasuke narrowed his eyes at Kakashi. _Maybe that wasn’t the right thing to say,_ he thought. _I have to think of something fast._

“How’re you feeling?”

 _Great, Hatake,_ Kakashi thought, _just ask the undead boy with the scary eyes how he feels. Brilliant plan._

“Who are you?” Sasuke asked again. He seemed unfazed by his injuries, going so far as to push ribs back into shape with his fingers. “Answer me.”

Kakashi was torn between feeling fascinated and terrified. He was terrifyingly fascinated, no, that didn’t sound right. He decided not to dwell on the particulars. He had bigger problems, like an undead teenager with angry red eyes glaring at him and making demands. 

“I’m Kakashi.”

“Where am I?”

Kakashi rolled his shoulders and made a gesture to indicate their surroundings. He thought it was pretty straightforward. No windows, bright lights, medical equipment and a strange man in a lab coat. He was sure that was the standard layout of a morgue. He wasn’t sure what else Sasuke expected him to say because he did look happy with what Kakashi had given him in reply.

“I don’t like repeating myself,” Sasuke growled as he pushed his shoulder back into its socket. 

_That’s scary,_ Kakashi thought.

“You’re in a morgue underneath the police station,” Shikaku said.

Kakashi sighed. Reinforcements had arrived. He noticed that Tsunade wasn’t with Shikaku. That was strange. Tsunade wouldn’t miss something like this. He never thought that he would feel as he did, but Kakashi sorely wanted Tsunade to be there. Shikaku was a smooth talker and quick-witted, but he was human. Tsunade was too, but she possessed inexplicably crazy strength. He would take that over smarts in his current situation. Sasuke was undead, and that meant higher than average physical strength. Kakashi had it too, but the feeling he got from looking at Sasuke was hard to describe. All that he knew was that there was a high possibility that the teenager wasn’t a zombie like he was.

“Call my brother,” Sasuke said. “Call him.”

Shikaku sighed and sent a bushed look Kakashi’s way. “We’ve been trying to get in contact with your next of kin, your brother since we found you this morning. He wasn’t answered his phone.”

“Try again.”

“We’ve also tried your secondary emergency contact,” Shikaku started, “but he isn’t answering either.”

Sasuke pulled a face. “Don’t call him; just keep on calling my brother.”

Shikuka shook his head. “Did you learn anything, Kakashi?”

Kakashi looked at Shikaku with an expression of disbelief. “What exactly did you want me to learn from staring at his body regenerating? It’s similar to how my body would regenerate, but his is a lot slower. I don’t know what else I can tell you, other than that I suspect that he isn’t the same as I am.”

“Isn’t the same, huh?” Shikaku had a thoughtful glint in his eyes. “You’re a vampire, aren’t you?”

Kakashi blinked. He wasn’t sure if he heard right. Shikaku asked Sasuke if he was a vampire. A vampire? He couldn’t help the snort that he let out. Sure, he was a zombie and he ate brains, but somehow, the thought of other supernatural beings existing was difficult to comprehend. Kakashi had spent a lot of time the last few decades thinking about the probability of other supernatural beings that could exist. In the end, he always got to the same conclusion – they didn’t exist, otherwise, the human race would’ve been in a dire situation. Humans were on the bottom of the food chain after all.

“What do you know about vampires?” Sasuke asked. It sounded eerily like the hissing of a snake. It was a warning. “What do you know about them? What do you know about the brain binge eater over there?”

Brain binge eater? That was insulting. Kakashi froze. Sasuke knew he was a zombie. He knew without anyone saying it. Kakashi looked to Shikaku, maybe the captain knew what to do, but the man looked just as surprised as he was. Kakashi suddenly had the urge to fidget. He needed to keep his hands busy. He shoved on hand into his pants pocket and rubbed the fingers of the other together. It wasn’t enough.

It would be easy enough for Kakashi to grab the gun he had hidden away next to the filing cabinet on the other side of the half wall behind him. He could get it and try to kill Sasuke before Shikaku knew what was happening. The only thing that stopped him was the fact that he didn’t know how to kill Sasuke. He knew more than enough ways to try and kill him, but they were more likely to fail and piss the teenager off. It was easy for Kakashi to forget how old he was, how long he had been undead and how he had lived before he woke up a zombie. 

“What do you know about Kakashi?” Shikaku asked.

Kakashi didn’t like that topic. He was sure that Shikaku could see how on edge he was. He had hoped Shikaku could change the subject because he would only get tenser. His fingers got twitchy when he was tense. It wasn’t a good thing when Kakashi got twitchy fingers, it was a very bad thing, especially for the cause of his itchy fingers.

“Exactly what I told you,” Sasuke said with a smirk. “He’s a zombie. They’re more trouble than they’re worth if you leave them to their own devices. It’s easier to use them for target practise than let them shamble around. Needless to say, there aren’t a lot of them around anymore.”

Kakashi needed to sit. He needed to distance himself from Sasuke.

Shikaku took a deep breath. “I’d like to know–”

“Sasuke!”

Kakashi snapped his head up to the entrance to the morgue. There stood his landlord, Iruka Umino. Kakashi forgot about his itchy fingers. It would be very bad if Iruka found out about him being a zombie, he would get evicted for sure.

“Iruka, I don’t–” Sasuke didn’t have a chance to finish his sentence as a piece of cloth wrapped around his mouth. “oft heef!”

Kakashi also forgot about Iruka finding out about his undead condition. The cloth had wrapped _itself_ around Sasuke’s mouth. Kakashi almost let his mouth hang open. It was like magic. He looked up to Iruka, who had a strange amulet in his hand. His landlord still looked angry. Kakashi always tried to keep his interactions with Iruka, the few that there were, short and friendly. He had heard what happened with a tenant that made Iruka angry.

Iruka turned to Shikaku with a smile. “I’m so sorry about Sasuke. He didn’t break or set anything on fire did he?”

“I’m not sure, you’ll have to ask our medical examiner,” Shikaku answered.

Kakashi didn’t want Iruka to turn his attention to him. _Too late_ , he thought. Iruka was already looking his way, but at least, he didn’t look angry.

“No, he didn’t do much of anything,” he said. 

Iruka looked relieved to hear that. Kakashi was happy that Iruka wasn’t that angry anymore, but he wanted him out of his workplace. It was strange to have his landlord standing there, in the morgue’s doorway with no problem at all. Most people were uncomfortable in morgues. Also, having Iruka there was almost the same as seeing a teacher outside of school, you didn’t think they had a life outside of their jobs.

“Then,” Iruka said with a cheery smile, “you won’t mind if I take Sasuke?”

“Actually,” Shikaku started, “I would mind. I know this won’t go into the official reports, but what happened to Sasuke?”

“What do you mean?”

Shikaku gestured to Kakashi. He just wanted Iruka and Sasuke to leave; he didn’t want to explain the state they had found the teenager in. Kakashi sighed.

“Well, he was found in an alley this morning. His face, for lack of a better term, had been hacked off, or so the chief medical examiner told me. He also had a punctured lung, multiple fractured ribs, a protruding rib, multiple lacerations and burns.”

Kakashi sighed. Iruka looked angry again.

“Anything else?” Iruka asked in a tight voice.

“He was found with a knife covered with an unknown substance and a kilogram of salt,” Shikaku said. “Were you aware he had gone out last night?”

“No,” Iruka now looked at Sasuke with a frown. “I wasn’t aware, and I’m sure neither was his brother. He was probably doing something I told him explicitly _not_ to.” Iruka walked to Sasuke. He had a serious expression on his face. “You went looking for Kimimaro, didn’t you?”

Sasuke didn’t make a sound. He looked away and crossed his arms over his chest. Kakashi wanted to laugh. It was funny to see someone who had threatened him earlier reduced to the child he was by Iruka.

“I want the Uchiha brat out of my morgue, Iruka,” Tsunade said as she walked in. “He’s upsetting my employee and disrupting the workflow. If he’s not completely dead, he leaves.” 

Kakashi started to wonder who didn’t know Iruka. Sure, Iruka was a nice guy, and his landlord but Kakashi didn’t want him around his place of work, or his boss either. Tsunade had loose lips after a few drinks. He never knew if she would let his secret slip to some random person in a bar, or her weekly drinking buddy, whoever he was.

“Sasuke and Iruka aren’t going anywhere until I get some answers, Tsunade,” Shikaku refuted. “It was lucky that the kid had his face hacked off, but now I have to make sure his name disappears from this morning’s paperwork. He’s been listed as deceased. What’ll happen if he lands up in the morgue again and someone recognises him?”

Sasuke ignored Shikaku and continued to sulk. Iruka, however, looked worn-out. Kakashi now noticed that the man’s hair wasn’t in its usually neat ponytail. Portions of Iruka’s hair had slipped out of the hair tie and his shirt was terribly wrinkled.

“I can’t guarantee anything when Sasuke is concerned,” Iruka said. “I can punish him and tell his brother, but in the end, we can only expert so much control over him. He goes to school without incident, and I keep an eye on him when he goes home, but beyond that, I can’t do much. I have other responsibilities.”

“I understand your situation, Iruka, but he’s a vampire,” Shikaku said.

Kakashi saw that Tsunade had lost interest and that she was now in the back, at her desk, pouring herself a drink. He took the opportunity to slip to the back and sit at his desk. Now his gun was more accessible too. He busied himself with work while he kept the other people in the morgue in mind. He had paperwork to catch up on, and he wasn’t about to do any other examinations with a vampire sitting there while his landlord and the chief of police argued.

“Oh, you _understand_ my situation, do you?” Iruka asked. 

Kakashi was sure that was rhetorical. He hoped Iruka left soon and took Sasuke with him. He also hoped that Tsunade would reach the end of her patience and throw the whole lot of them out.

“Tell me,” Iruka sounded angry.

Kakashi had heard that tone of voice before when Iruka had had that argument with another tenant. He didn’t know the specifics of the argument, but it had been very loud and he had decided to never anger his landlord. He had hoped that Shikaku wouldn’t reach the point of angering his landlord, but it was out of his control now.

“Superintendent Nara what is the difference between my situation with Sasuke and your situation with Kakashi? Sasuke isn’t even a vampire, besides he’s still young, easily controlled. How is he more dangerous than an adult zombie?”

Kakashi’s world came crashing down around him. Was there anyone that didn’t know he was a zombie?


	2. A Bad Day Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kudos and the comments. 
> 
> This chapter had two versions, and each of them took the story in a different direction, so it was difficult to decide which one to ultimately put up, but I felt like this chapter is the better option. Also, I need to say as a word of warning that there is description of past self-harm in this chapter, but this is the only time I'm likely to have it in the story.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy.

Kakashi stared at the dog food. He knew what he needed to buy, but as of late, or the last few hours to be more accurate, he had been spacing out. He didn’t think anyone could blame him. He was recovering from a concussion sustained from being head butted by an undead teenage, and he found out that his landlord knew he was a zombie. Iruka knew. That was what bothered him more than the concussion.

“Excuse me young man,” a little old lady said.

Kakashi blinked and looked down at her. She looked just like any other little old lady. He was hungry. He didn’t know what made him notice his hunger all of a sudden, but he sure it was the little old lady’s fault.

“How can I help?” Kakashi asked.

“Would you mind putting a bag of dog food in the trolley dear?” She gave him a smile that sent wrinkles blooming over her face. “Take the red one over there. The ten kilogram one, if you can manage it. You look like a strong young man.”

Kakashi smiled, even if it was a superficial one. He was suddenly starving. He needed to buy the rest of the items on his grocery list and head home. He lifted the bag of dog food into the old lady’s trolley and grabbed Pakkun’s preferred brand and flavour. He left the isle before the old lady could ask him to do anything else. With rice and various vegetables flying into his basket, he finished his shopping quickly.

Kakashi kept his head down as he walked and tried to focus on the music that was playing through his earphones. It was more difficult than it should’ve been. He shouldn’t be as hungry as he was. He had only eaten three hours ago. A few years ago he and Shikaku had calculated how to ration his food. A whole brain lasted him a week if he ate it with other food stuffs. It wasn’t like he was starving himself, he ate three main meals a day with snacks as well, but those snacks didn’t consist of brains. He was comfortable with his rationed brains; it was something he liked to call the Hatake Diet. It was rather sliming.

Kakashi snorted at that thought. His hunger pangs lessened somewhat, but came back with a vengeance a few moments later. Perhaps the sudden hunger pangs were stressed induced. He had had a stressful day behind him. Tsunade had even sent him home early. She didn’t do that often, but what could she do with a zombie that did nothing other than grumble and whine at his desk while staring a whole through the filing cabinet?

The walk to his apartment building was shorter than he had hoped. He stopped some way away from the building. It wasn’t anything fancy, just a well-kept, nondescript two storey building, with a larger than average garden and large pond. The apartments themselves all had the same basic layout – a small open plan kitchen, dining and living area with two bed rooms and a bathroom. Kakashi wondered if Iruka was making any rounds with the tenants or wandering around the garden. He wanted to avoid bumping in to Iruka for a few days. He could apply to take a few graveyard shifts at work. That was a sure fire way to avoid Iruka, who seemed to be a day person. It was a good idea, but he wasn’t sure if Tsunade would allow it. He could just ask. The worst that could happen would be for Tsunade to say no.

Kakashi sighed. He had to get his act together. He didn’t know why he was scared of one man. Iruka didn’t do or say anything to indicate that he would evict Kakashi. That was a good sign, but it still bothered him that he knew. He begrudgingly walked through the gate and went straight for his apartment, which was on the second storey. He ducked into the stairwell before Tenzo could rope him into helping with the garden.

 _So far so good, Hatake,_ he thought. Kakashi hadn’t seen any sign of Iruka yet, and he had slipped in past Tenzo. The only obstacle left was to get into his apartment without getting pulled into social obligatory pleasantries with any of the tenants that lived on the second storey as well. His main concern was Naruto, who never failed to catch Kakashi just as he got to his apartment. He didn’t know how Naruto did it, considering he lived downstairs with Iruka. He didn’t really know the other tenants in the building, just Tenzo and Naruto.     

With his front door in sight, Kakashi felt the tension melt off of his shoulders. He hadn’t realised just how tense he was. It was nothing a hot meal and long bath couldn’t fix. He opened the door and shut behind him as quickly as he could manage. He locked the door and toed off his shoes, leaving them by the door. Kakashi waited for a light grumble and the noise of nails scratching against the wooden floorboards. Pakkun came into view from behind the couch.

“Hey there, Pakkun,” Kakashi greeted. “I’ll have your food out in a minute.”

Kakashi put his shopping bags and backpack on the kitchen counter. His first priority would be to feed Pakkun. He picked up the bowls on the floor and put them in the sink and took clean ones from the cupboard. He put them down and filled them with fresh water and food. Now he could start his own food. Kakashi took out a Tupperware container form his backpack and put it into the fridge. It was the brain rations for his dinner, breakfast and lunch the next day. He washed the vegetables and left them to dry. The air in his apartment was stuffy.

With an exasperated sigh, Kakashi slid open the kitchen window. That would also allow Mr Ukki to get some fresh air. He stared at the plant. The breeze that came in through the window wasn’t enough to cool him down. He didn’t know why he got so hot all of a sudden. It was a bother. He looked over his shoulder. He could always open the balcony door so that it could create a draft that would flow through the apartment. Kakashi walked across his to the balcony door and slid it open. He stood on the balcony for a moment, his hunger forgotten. A cool breeze blew, carrying with it the scent of freshly mowed grass and wet foliage. He put his arms on the railing and listened. Being undead had its perks, one of those being enhanced senses. The other perk was looking forever twenty-eight. He could hear Tenzo humming quietly to the plants in the garden, speaking a few quiet words to them every now and then. He couldn’t hear much else.

“It’s probably too early,” he mumbled. “Most of them are probably still at work.”

Kakashi knew it would come across as creepy, but he liked to listen to the comings and goings of the everyday lives of the other tenants. There was a pair of brothers on his floor which he enjoyed eavesdropping on the most. His second favourite tenant to eavesdrop on was Tenzo, but he was mostly in the garden at all times of the day. He wondered if the man had an actual job, or if Iruka kept him on as the gardener.

“Maybe I should make some grilled vegetables and brains with a pesto in a pita,” Kakashi said to himself. “What do think, Pakkun?”

The hunger pangs returned at the thought of food. Kakashi forced out a breath through his teeth. He went back inside and took out a pan and the food processor. With a stove plate on, he chopped up the vegetables. He took out his remaining ingredients from the fridge. He tossed basil and garlic into the processor and let it chop away for a moment. He poured in the olive oil and let the processor reduce it all to a smooth paste. With a wad of butter sizzling away on the pan, Kakashi added the vegetables and bits of brain that he broke apart by hand.

“That smells good.”

“Thanks,” Kakashi answered automatically.

Kakashi paused his cooking. He was sure Pakkun was fast asleep on his cushion. He looked up. He had forgotten to close the kitchen window, which was right above the stove. Kakashi cursed his luck. Of all the people to pass by, it had to be Iruka, who was leaning on the window sill with a smile on his face.

“Maa,” Kakashi started to say, but found rest of sentence fizzling out of existence. Without knowing what to say, he ducked his head and concentrated on not burning his food. He’d have to eat it, burnt or not.

“I don’t suppose you’re making enough for two?” Iruka asked.

Kakashi was glad that his hair hung over his eye. Iruka wouldn’t be able to see him frown. He ignored the question for the moment and moved the pan to the opposite plate while he cut open a pita. He didn’t know what to say to Iruka.

“I’m sorry,” Iruka said. “I probably should’ve told you that I knew about your… condition. I’d also like you to know that I expect you to–” 

Kakashi’s head shot up, and in the process, he forgot he held a knife in his hand. The serrated blade cut through the space between two of his fingers and got stuck on a bone. Blood started streaming down his hand and fell onto the hot stove plate. The smell was boiling blood was rank.

“Kakashi!” Iruka screamed.

“Fuck,” was all Kakashi could manage. He took a few steps away from the stove to prevent blood from spilling onto this food. “That hurts.”

 A pair of hands was suddenly on Kakashi’s hand. They were warm hands. He liked them. They looked like strong, but gentle hands. Those hands also pulled the knife out. He didn’t like those hands that much anymore. Kakashi looked up with tears in his eye at Iruka. The man appeared to be concentrating. He looked back down at his hand when he felt a horrible burn start pulsing.

“There you go,” Iruka said in a soft voice. “That should be better.”

Kakashi opened his eye. He didn’t realise he had closed it in the first place. He looked at Iruka, who had a smile on his face. With a shaky breath, he pulled his hand from Iruka’s and stared at his healed hand. He flexed and wiggled his fingers. It wasn’t his body that had healed that, there had never been that burning sensation before. It had to have been Iruka, but he couldn’t think about the how or why at that moment. It was just like at the morgue earlier – the little trick Iruka did with the ribbon. Maybe it really was magic. He didn’t want to look up at Iruka. He wanted to eat his dinner and sleep.

“That wasn’t necessary,” Kakashi mumbled. “It would’ve started healing by itself in a few minutes.”

Iruka let out a laugh that had Kakashi looking up at him again. He didn’t know his landlord had such an open, warm face, if he did, maybe he wouldn’t have avoided him so much. Maybe. He would probably never see it again. Iruka was about to evict him. He had to start packing his stuff. The tedious part would be packing away all his books and securely packing the various artefacts he had scattered about his apartment.

“Sorry,” Iruka apologised. “I’m just so used to healing Naruto’s injuries. I forgot that zombies regenerate injuries on their own. Oh, I’ll have Yamato come and fix your door.”

“My door?” Kakashi frowned. “What’s wrong with my door?”

Iruka gave a sheepish smile and scratched one end of his scar. “I kicked your door down to get into your apartment.” 

Pakkun pushed his wet nose into Kakashi’s hand. His landlord had kicked down his door and preformed some sort of weird magic on him to heal his hand. He was now just waiting for Iruka to give him his notice. He’d miss Tenzo’s quiet conversations with his plants and never again be able to call Tenzo to help him when Mr Ukki looked sick. He’d miss Naruto’s constant badgering, somewhat. The kid had a curious, if slow, mind and he loved to borrow Kakashi’s books. On that thought, he reminded himself that Naruto still had two of his books. He needed to get those back before he left. At least he still had Pakkun, his grumpy companion. Pakkun would always be with him.

“So, what do you think?” Iruka asked. There was a smile on his face, but Kakashi had no idea what he had just said. “You don’t have to answer me right away, give it some thought first. You’ll know where to find me once you’ve made up your mind.” 

Iruka got up and pulled Kakashi up with him, which he didn’t expect and lost his balance, forcing him to lean into his landlord. He realised that Iruka had broad shoulders, and a wider, more solid build than he did. He was still taller though. Kakashi quickly regained his balance and tried to take a step back and the counter behind him stopped him from doing that.  

“I’ll let you get back to your dinner,” Iruka said. “Don’t be surprised when you see Yamato later.”

Kakashi watched as Iruka left and only then realised the state of his door. It looked like only a few splinters kept it from falling in two. He was surprised Iruka hadn’t thrown him out of the building with the same strength. Kakashi dug the heel of his palm into his eye. He had spaced out when Iruka spoke. The part that he did catch confused him. Did Iruka give him a flexible date to leave? Did he even evict him? He didn’t know what he had to think about. He didn’t know who Yamato was, for all he knew it was his next door neighbour, but he would be happy if the man could just fix his door enough to let it close. Naruto would flit in and out constantly otherwise.

“Don’t think so much,” Kakashi said to himself. “Just go eat and then sleep.”

Kakashi threw the soiled pita into the bin and got a fresh one. He ate quickly and then cleaned up the kitchen. He closed all his windows and the balcony door. He took a moment to look over his apartment. The kitchen was clean, but not much else. It wasn’t that it was dirty, just well lived-in, but some would say disorganised. An entire wall was taken up by a bookshelf that had started out orderly, by wound up having a book stuffed in at every available opening. Books were stacked in front the bookshelf and beside his couch and those piles doubled as a sort of makeshift end table. He didn’t have any photographs on display. Some of them consisted of fading polaroids and old, grainy photos from decades past. Those were kept locked away in a safe in his bedroom.

He looked at down at his shirt. It was a mess. He wondered if it would be worth the effort to try and wash the blood out of it. It was a white shirt after all, and the blood was almost dry. Kakashi decided that he had more than enough button ups to replace his current one.    

“Hey Kakashi,” a voice called. A large blue man stood by in the door way, looking at the broken door. “I heard Iruka kicked in your door. What did you do? There wasn’t much shouting done on Iruka’s part, so you didn’t do anything horrible.”

Kakashi had no idea who the man was. He was distracted by the blue skin and what looked like gills on the man’s cheeks. He’d never seen a blue person before, maybe he suffered from argyrosis.

“Who’re you?” Kakashi asked. It was rude, but he didn’t care.

The man looked up, yellow eyes fixed on Kakashi. “Right, we’ve never actually met, even if we’ve been living next to each other for years. I’m Kisame Hoshigaki.”

 _How could I’ve missed a blue man living next door?_ Kakashi asked himself. _He looks like a smurf body builder._

“So, what did you do?” Kisame asked.

“I cut my hand,” Kakashi said. “He healed it.”

“He kicked down your door for that?” Kisame let out a laugh than wasn’t unlike barking. “Kakuzu hated it when Iruka tried to heal him. Apparently it hurts like hell. That’s why he moved out. I’ve had Iruka fix me up a few times, and it never hurt. Maybe it’s a zombie thing.”

Kakashi blanched. He had to take good, long look in the mirror to see if he missed the sign that said: _I’m a Zombie_ on his forehead.

“You okay?” Kisame asked. “You’re looking a pit, well, paler than normal.”

“Kisame, what did you do to that door?”

Kakashi sighed and saw another stranger in his doorway. The man was slender with white hair and violet eyes. His skin was pale, almost translucent. He looked vaguely familiar.

“Hey, don’t go pointing fingers at me, Mangetsu,” Kisame said. “It was Iruka.”

“Right,” Mangetsu said. He didn’t sound convinced. “Kakashi also just happens to have blood all over his shirt. I’m going to tell on you this time. Kakashi might be a zombie capable of regenerating his limbs, but that doesn’t mean you can just take a chomp out of him.”

Kakashi remembered who Mangetsu was. He was the neighbour who had the younger brother that he liked to eavesdrop on. He looked between Kisame and Mangetsu. They seemed to be on friendly terms, neither of them bothered by the others’ appearance. He never knew he lived in an apartment building with so many weirdoes.

Kakashi was confused. He was tired and he wanted his friendly, but weird neighbours to leave his apartment. He didn’t want to hear Mangetsu accusing Kisame of eating him, or tattle telling on him. _Wait_ , Kakashi told himself. _Did Mangetsu just tell Kisame not to eat me?_

“What do you mean this time?” Kisame asked. “I’ve behaved myself!”

Mangetsu gave Kisame a look of disbelief. “I don’t think that what Iruka meant by behaving meant eating your boyfriend instead. I’ve seen Itachi leave your apartment a few times with missing fingers and missing chunks of flesh.”

Kakashi let his mouth hang open. He didn’t live with weirdoes; he lived with psychopaths and, apparently, a cannibal too. _Does it count as cannibalism if he eats a zombie?_ Kakashi didn’t want to find out the answer to that question. His heart rate was as fast as it could beat for an undead man. He needed to calm down. Perhaps he heard wrong, and it was one big misunderstanding. For all he knew, Kisame was a big softie that enjoyed cooking and was a big romantic. He needed to stop without about people’s bad qualities. Either way, he needed them to leave.

“It’s consensual,” Kisame muttered. He looked guilty, or maybe it was flustered.

Kakashi cringed. The way Kisame said that made it sound like some sort of sexual kink. He shuddered at the thought.   

“I don’t mean to interrupt you guys, but do either of you know where I can find Yamato?” Kakashi asked. He needed them out of his doorway. His door wouldn’t fix itself and he wouldn’t be able to sleep until it was fixed.

 “Kakashi!”

Kakashi sighed. He knew that voice. Naruto pushed his way past Kisame and Mangetsu and ran into the apartment.

“Iruka just told me!” Naruto shouted. “It’s gonna be awesome, just you wait! You’re going to meet lots of new people, but they’re cool! I’ll even help you get settled and show you around. It’s gonna be great.”

The last thing Kakashi wanted to deal with was Naruto. He saw that the kid had come to return his books, but it was never that simple. Naruto liked to stay for hours at a time, asking questions about the books he read. Kakashi liked that he showed an interest in archaeology, but he didn’t have the energy for it at the moment. He had to ask Kisame and Mangetsu to leave, politely of course, and try to get Naruto to leave as well. 

A strange smell caught his attention. It was familiar, but he didn’t like it. It made him think of tombs and gunfire. Kakashi couldn’t shake the feeling that smell was giving him. He suddenly felt aggressive. He needed to get to his safe. He forgot about his uninvited guests and went into his bedroom. Instincts form decades pushed their way to the surface, controlling his actions. He kept a few guns in his safe, not just photographs.

“Hey, the new tenants are here!” Naruto shouted form the living room.

Kakashi threw open his closet and opened the safe. There were a few guns he could choose from, but he settled for the one closest to him. He loaded the Glock, making sure there was a round in the chamber already. He took a pouch with extra magazines and clipped it onto his belt. He clipped on a combat knife as well, just in case. He wanted to take a grenade for two, but it wouldn’t be wise to run around the building throwing grenades.

“Hey Kakashi!” Naruto shouted.

Kakashi snarled. He wished Naruto would leave. With the gun in hand, he left his bedroom and pushed his way past Kisame and Mangetsu.

“What’re you doing?” Naruto asked. “Why do you have a gun?”

 “You’re at the end in number twenty-four,” Iruka said.

Kakashi cursed. He didn’t want Iruka caught in the crossfire. He also didn’t want Iruka stopping him. He didn’t know what that man was capable of, but he wasn’t about to find out. Behind Iruka stood a man Kakashi believed to be dead.

“Zabuza,” Kakashi said. He almost couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Decades ago, he had watched Zabuza fall to his death. He raised his gun and kept it trained on Zabuza.

Zabuza snorted. “You look good for a dead man, Kakashi. I heard everyone form that expedition team died. I believe the word plague was mentioned a few times.”

“Kakashi what the hell are you doing?” Iruka asked. “Weren’t you listening when I spoke to you earlier?”

“Maa, I got a little distracted, sorry.”

The smell came from Zabuza, but he didn’t know why it was making him feel so aggressive. He had no grudge against Zabuza, well, he did but it died the day Zabuza did. Kakashi kept his eye on Zabuza. He wanted to test out a theory. He could only hope that he was right, but he noticed Zabuza wasn’t alone. Next to Zabuza was a young girl, she was pretty, and docile looking and completely Zabuza’s type.

Kakashi fire two shots. Zabuza stumbled back and crouched down to the floor, hands to his chest. Blood seeped through his fingers and dripped onto the floor.

“Kisame!” Iruka barked.

“What the fuck?” Kisame swore as he restrained Kakashi. “That’s one hell of a house warming gift there pal. I never thought you would be the type to shoot first and ask questions later. I like you a lot more than I did a few minutes ago.”

“You still holding that grudge, Kakashi?” Zabuza asked. “I know it was a family heirloom, but it was an accident.”

Kakashi watched with a wide eye as Zabuza stood back up. “Consider us even, you undead bastard.” 

Zabuza walked up to Kakashi with a grin. He pulled his fist back and hit Kakashi square on the jaw and then grabbed a hold of his collar to pull him closer.

“Why the fuck did you have to shoot me?” Zabuza shouted. “I know you’re a good shot, but what if you hit Haku, or your own landlord?”

Kakashi gave a weak smile. He looked past Zabuza and saw that that Haku looked a bit shocked by what had happened. Iruka on the other hand looked livid. Kakashi sighed. He went against his most important rule: never anger Iruka.

“Zabuza,” Iruka said, his voice clipped, “please follow Mangetsu to your apartment. Kisame, please throw Kakashi into the pond.”

“What?” Kakashi asked. He didn’t want to get thrown anywhere, least of all into the pond. “Why the pond?”

Iruka walked over to Kakashi and took the gun from his hand as well as the extra magazines and the knife. “You’re getting thrown into the pond because I said so.”

Kisame threw Kakashi over his shoulder and walked over to the railing. Kakashi watched as Mangetsu led Zabuza away. He noticed Naruto was hovering in his apartment.

“Hey, Naruto!” Kakashi said. “You better not break anything. Make sure Pakkun stays inside.”

“Have a nice swim,” Kisame said as he tossed Kakashi over the railing.

Kakashi wasn’t in the air for long, but at the same time, it felt like an eternity. He watched as a flock of birds flew across the sky with pink clouds behind them. The sun had started to set. He hit the water hard enough to get the wind knocked out of him. He let himself sink down. The pond was deeper than it looked. Kakashi had expected to reach the bottom already. He let out a sigh and watched as the oxygen bubbles float up. He didn’t need oxygen to survive, but not breathing did hurt a hell of a lot in his lungs.

He remembered when he went through a period of deep depression. It was only a few years after he had become a zombie, and decades before started working for Tsunade. He went to a phase of sorts. He tried to find effective ways of killing himself. He had tried many things, and of course, one of the first things he tried was shooting himself in the head. It didn’t work, obviously. The movie industry had it all wrong. He tried drowning, getting bitten all manner of venomous animals and being burnt alive. The latter he didn’t do voluntarily. He had been wandering about the mountains in the Land of Lightening when he got caught by a tribe of natives, who had been untouched by modern civilisation. The anthropologist in him had been fascinated, up until the point where they decided he was an evil omen and tried to burn him at the stake.

Kakashi stopped trying to kill himself after that. He sighed again. The burning in his lungs started to bother him. He swam up to the surface and took in a large gulp of air once he surfaced. He noticed he wasn’t alone.

“I was beginning to think Kisame killed you,” Iruka said. “You were down there a long time.”

 “Well, you know.” Kakashi didn’t know what to say. Iruka had been very angry with him. If the man didn’t evict him earlier, he was sure Iruka would do it now. He shot at another tenant. There was no way Iruka could overlook that. “So…”

“Move over,” Iruka said.

Kakashi blinked. He didn’t know why Iruka asked him to move over, but he wasn’t about to argue. He used his hands to push himself backwards. He floated in the water, watching Iruka, who was busy unbutton his shirt.

“What’re you doing?” Kakashi asked. He knew Iruka was getting undressed, but he just felt like he needed it clarified.

Iruka didn’t say anything and tossed his shirt aside. Kakashi was surprised by how well built his landlord actually was. With Iruka on higher ground, looking down at him and shirtless, Kakashi realised that the man was actually quite attractive. He wouldn’t say he was handsome, but there was an air around him. He watched as Iruka undid his belt and pulled off his underwear along with his pants.

“Seriously, what’re you doing?”

Kakashi sank a little lower into the water. He knew he was blushing. He couldn’t help it. He still had adrenaline coursing through his veins and there was an attractive man standing in front of him in all his naked glory, even if that man was his landlord.

Iruka put a foot into the pond and then another. He walked in until he was knee-deep and then sat down. He let out a long, tired sigh. Kakashi wanted to avert his eyes, but something shiny caught his attention. Honestly, he felt like a magpie sometimes. He watched as something silvery moved just under the surface of the water where Iruka sat. It was huge. Maybe it was a fish, a really big fish.

“That’s much better,” Iruka mumbled.

A large fin broke the water’s surface and splashed water over Iruka. Kakashi launched himself backwards.

“What the hell is that?” Kakashi asked. He knew he had shouted, but was surprised.

Iruka frowned at him and then gave another long sigh. The fin went back underwater and then surfaced again, this time revealing it was attached to a large silvery-blue scaled body.

“That would be my tail,” Iruka said nonchalantly.

“You’re a mermaid?” Kakashi asked dumbly. “For real?”

“Technically, I’m a mer _man_ , and I’m half a one at that. My mother was a witch.”

“Right, because witches also exist,” Kakashi murmured. He kept his eye son the water in front of him.  He wanted to get back to his apartment and go to sleep, his broken door be damned. He had just lived through the third worst day of his life. He just wanted it to end. 

A loud splash and ripples in the water caught Kakashi’s attention. Iruka was gone. He looked around and saw no sign of him. Iruka surfaced right in front of him, invading his personal space.

“You don’t know much of anything, do you?” Iruka asked.

Kakashi was insulted by that. He had a Masters in history, wrote a few ground breaking papers on the pharaohs of the Land of Wind and he achieved the rank of Captain before he left active duty. He wasn’t stupid by any means.

“Don’t give me that look, I didn’t mean it like that,” Iruka said with a laugh. “What I meant was that you don’t know much about the supernatural world. Considering how old you are, it’s odd. I always thought you just liked your privacy, but your reaction to Zabuza says different.”

“How so?” Kakashi asked. He decided to ignore what Iruka said about his age. He never told anyone how old he really was. As far as everyone in the apartment building was concerned, he was turning thirty-three.

“Kakuzu moved out before you moved in, and it was the first time I’ve seen you interact with another zombie. From where I was standing, it didn’t look like you expected Zabuza to be a zombie, even though I did tell you one was going to move in not even two hours ago.”

“Oh,” Kakashi mumbled meekly. “That’s what you were saying.”

Iruka laughed at that. Kakashi liked that laugh.

“Really, you can be as bad as Naruto sometimes.”

Kakashi didn’t take that as a compliment.

“So,” Kakashi said, but he let his sentence trail off and die. “Are you going to evict me now?”

“Evict you?” Iruka asked. “Why would I do that?”

“I shot at a tenant? I keep a small weapons cache in my closet?”

Iruka smiled. “I won’t evict you for any of that. You should check out the sword collection Mangetsu and Suigetsu have going. Kisame has a few too. I won’t hold it against you, considering your history, but for shooting Zabuza you are being given a warning. I only ever give out one two warnings, and if I have to give out a third, you’ll find yourself out on the street. Is that clear?”

“Crystal.”

“That’s what I like to hear.”         

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really enjoyed writing this chapter, and it's a lot longer than the previous one. It kind of just flowed out. I hope you guys enjoyed it!


	3. A Bad Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is late. Real life happened, the kind that makes you sit in two hours of traffic every day, and because of that, I'm now going to update every two weeks instead. On a happier note, thanks for all the kudos and comments. They brighten my day. I never imagined that this would get over 490 hits! I'll be giddy when it hits 500. 
> 
> Nothing much happens in this chapter, but things are going to pick up in the next one. Also, I love KisaIta. There needs to be more KisaIta in the world, and this is my teeny tiny contribution. 
> 
> Enjoy!

“Hah.”

Kakashi had enough. He wanted to sleep, but it was impossible. He wished that he owned a broom, or something similar that he could bang against the wall. He could use his fists, but he was afraid he would punch a hole through the wall. He was sleep depraved, and he knew from experience that his control of his strength slipped during that time. What was worse was that he hadn’t had a wink of sleep in four days.

“Kisame.”

Kakashi never hated being a zombie more than he did in the last few days. He had no desire to listen to his neighbour having sex, none whatsoever. He would be able to deal with it if he could only hear the occasional moan or shout. He would’ve been fine with the thumping of the headboard against the wall. He wished that was all he could hear, but the sad truth of the situation was that he could hear everything.

He heard every gasp, throaty breath and kiss. Kakashi groaned. He wondered why he didn’t take the chance to sleep at work for the night. He would’ve been fine sleeping in one of the positive temperature cold storage units, but it would’ve been a problem if one of the graveyard shift workers decided to poke around and discovered him. He would get a lecture form Tsunade and Shikaku for sure. Now that he thought of it, it wasn’t such a brilliant plan.

A beastly rumble seeped through the walls. Kakashi shuddered under his sheets. He didn’t like that sound. It wasn’t his first time hearing it in the last four days, but he didn’t want to hear any more of it. It was the stuff of nightmares. A soft, meaty sound reached his ears. Kakashi hoped he heard wrong, he had to have heard wrong. He prayed that he hadn’t heard Kisame tear off something that sounded like flesh being torn off of a body.  

“Ah-hah.”

The sound of chewing started while Kisame’s thrusts got slower. Kakashi felt sick. Kisame was literally eating his boyfriend while they were having sex. From what Kakashi could hear, Kisame liked to eat the meatier parts of his lover’s body, maybe the thighs or calves. Sometimes he heard the crunching of bones. Kakashi didn’t need to be a detective to know what Kisame ate then. It was like Mangetsu had said, Kisame’s lover often left with missing fingers. He would’ve been able to manage a few more days if all they did was have sex, but now he couldn’t take it anymore.   

Kakashi sat up and got up onto his knees. He turned around and braced his hands against the wall. He would risk getting another warning from Iruka if it meant he could sleep and he could make Kisame stop eating so loudly. With a steadying breath, made a fist and drew it back, ready to hit the wall all he could muster. He threw the punch and the wall gave away like rice paper. The downside was that he broke his hand in the process. It would be a small price to pay for peace and quiet.  

“Fuck!” Kisame shouted. “Kakashi?”

Kakashi used his uninjured hand to create a bigger whole. Once it was big enough, he put his forearms on the rim of the hole and pushed his upper body through. The smell of sex and blood was almost overwhelming. He looked down and saw that Kisame’s bed was parallel to his. He saw a man with red eyes and scars diagonally down his cheeks look up at him, blood splattered over his face. There was a chunk of flesh missing from the man’s shoulder the size of Kakashi’s fist. Blood was everywhere, over the man’s chest, in his hair and soaking into the sheets.

With a scowl on his face, Kakashi looked up at Kisame, who looked exactly like a man who was caught in the act – his hair was dishevelled, lips swollen, and with hickeys on his neck. Kisamewas also covered in blood.

“Tone the fuck down,” Kakashi grumbled. “I get it, you’re young and filled with the vigour of youth, but some of us are getting along in years and need sleep. Oh, and please, for my sanity, eat quieter! If not, I’ll drag you out and split open your head and slurp out your brains for breakfast.”

Kisame open his mouth as if he wanted to speak, but he closed it again. Kakashi let out a sigh and ran a hand through his hair. A hearty, deep laughter rose out of nowhere. Kakashi looked down and saw that Kisame’s boyfriend seemed to be having the time of his life.

“That’s a first for you, Kisame.”

“Shut up, Itachi,” Kisame hissed.

Kakashi grumbled. He hadn’t thought through his plan past the point of threatening his neighbour. He was leaning into his neighbour’s bedroom with bloodied and broken hands while Kisame had his boyfriend’s leg hooked over his shoulder.

“You made him flaccid,” Itachi said with a lilt of amusement.

Kakashi realized that Itachi was talking to him, and looking directly at him. What was he supposed to say about that? He didn’t need to know he was a complete turn off for Kisame. _Well, if someone punched through my wall while I was getting at it, I would probably go limp too._    

“Kakashi,” Itachi said seductively. “What are you going to do about it?”

Kakashi found that he couldn’t look anywhere else but Itachi’s red eyes. They looked like tumbled garnets. It sounded cheesy, but that was the only analogy his brain could come up with. He watched as black marks started appearing around Itachi’s eyes. They were tomoe-shaped, with three running underneath each eye. It was oddly alluring despite the blood splatters across his face. It made him think of the derelict temple city he had come across once. Tomoe motifs and images of fiery beings flashed through his mind. He didn’t know why he thought of that all of a sudden, but it helped to clear his clouded mind.

“Urgh,” Kakashi groaned. He looked away from Itachi and put his forehead down on his forearms. “Just keep it down, ok? Maybe play some music. Do whatever you want, but please just keep the eating quiet.”

With that said, Kakashi ducked back into his own bedroom and jumped off of his bed. He found an old towel and some duct tape. He taped the towel over the hole and left his bedroom. It did nothing to filter out the noise form the other bedroom, but at least he wasn’t left with a gaping hole in the wall. Kakashi went to the bathroom and washed his bloody hands and forced some bones back into place and changed into a clean t-shirt.

He closed his bedroom door as soon as he heard Kisame and Itachi having sex again. It was a lot quieter than it had been, and there was some music playing, so Kakashi decided he wouldn’t split open Kisame’s head. He would give the man points for effort. Kakashi let out a sigh and flipped on a few lights. There was no way he would be able to sleep. Pakkun was sleeping on his cushion next to the couch, making wheezing snores. It was cute. 

Kakashi put on his LP player and flicked through his vinyl collection. He decided that a Bizet would help drown out even more noise. He put the needle on, careful not scratch the vinyl and turned up the volume a bit. Kakashi stood there listening to the music for a moment. He smiled when he remembered that Naruto didn’t like it one bit, that he thought it was an old person’s type of music. He sighed once more and went to his bookshelf.

With a sigh, Kakashi put his foot onto the bottom shelf and used it to give him a little boost. He reached for the journals-cum-sketchbooks. There was about six of them. In the beginning, he had just intended to use them to keep track of things during excavations. Naturally, somewhere down the line, they turned into journals as well. He had one he still wrote in, but he didn’t do anything that noteworthy these days. He was a medical examiner, and the most exciting thing that had happened recently was Sasuke. He took the second last one in the collection. He pulled it out and then went to fall onto his couch.  

Kakashi opened the book and flicked through the pages until he got to the sketches of the derelict temple city he had discovered years ago. It was a wonder no one else had discovered it before or since. It was a large structure made of stone, which was uncommon for ancient architecture in the Land of Fire, which was surrounded by numerous smaller ones. He turned the page and looked over the sketches he made of the interior. He quickly read over the notes. He didn’t know why he suddenly wanted to read through the book or look at the sketches.

 _I miss it_ , he thought. He missed being out in the world, exploring. He missed the adventure, the adrenaline rush that came with trying to outrun and outsmart booby traps. He reluctantly admitted – to himself, because would deny it if someone asked – that he also missed shooting at people. Well, not people in general, he wasn’t a psychopath. He missed shooting at people who were shooting at him. People didn’t realise how cutthroat the archaeology field really was. It was all a race – a very deadly race. You had to be smarter and better equipped than the opposing team of treasure hunters or rich men with a private army. You had to know what you were doing; otherwise in an effort to outrun treasure hunters, you could wind up getting killed by a booby trap. He didn’t go in search of lost tombs and treasures for money or fame. He did it because he liked uncovering secrets left behind by people long dead. He also liked sharing those secrets. Kakashi sighed. He snapped the book shut and reached backwards and put it on top of his end table books stack.

Kakashi knew why he suddenly had wanderlust. Seeing Zabuza was the main factor, but he also felt exposed. He didn’t like sudden changes, like meeting tenants that he had avoided for years that actually knew all along that he was a zombie. It also didn’t help that he lived next to a man-eating smurf that had one hell of libido. He was out of his comfort zone. Kakashi knew he didn’t seem like it, but he was an introvert. That was why he liked to travel and explore old tombs. No one would bother him, and no one knew him. The dead didn’t expect anything.

Kakashi looked down at Pakkun. He wished he could sleep so soundly. He needed to do something, or rather; he needed to get out of his apartment. A walk would do him good. With his mind made up, he got up and got a pair of socks and running shoes from his room and changed into a pair of shorts.

With a sigh, Kakashi locked his front door and shoved his keys into his pocket. He climbed down the stairs and stopped at the landing when he realised he wasn’t the only one wake.

“Yo,” Kakashi greeted.

Tenzo looked up from his door. “Evening.”

Kakashi turned away and made his way for the gate, but a hand got a hold of his shoulder.

“You look like you could use a drink, why don’t you join us?” Tenzo asked.

Kakashi paused. It didn’t look like Tenzo was dressed to go out. He wore a tank top and an old pair of shorts that had grass stains on it. He looked down and saw that Tenzo was carrying a wooden bucket filled with ice and beer.

“Here?” Kakashi asked dumbly.

“Yeah, you look like you need it,” Tenzo smiled. “I’m a good listener.”

Kakashi weighed his options for a moment. He could go out for a walk by himself, and get some much needed alone time, or he could socialise, for once in the years he had lived here. Besides, Tenzo had one of those faces, the kind that made you want to spill your guts to him and feel assured that he would take it to his grave. Kakashi grumbled a little. He didn’t know what to do, but it seemed that Tenzo had already decided for him when the man steered Kakashi around and pushed him towards the garden.

“That’s a strong grip,” Kakashi commented offhandedly.

Tenzo immediately let go. “I’m sorry. I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

Kakashi just shrugged. It wouldn’t have mattered if he had broken bones, it would’ve regenerated in a few minutes. He walked on, unsure as to where Tenzo wanted them to go.

“Take a seat by the pond.”

Kakashi wanted to pout. He had avoided the pond since Iruka had him tossed into his nearly a week ago. He watched as Tenzo sat down and put his feet in the water. Kakashi gave a shrug. Nothing bad could happen from sitting by the pond with the resident gardener. He hoped. He sat down just out of arm’s reach from Tenzo and looked at the lights that reflected off of the water’s surface. Kakashi said nothing. What did he have to say to a man that was practically a stranger?

“Here you go,” Tenzo said as he held out a cold beer. “I hope you don’t have anything against it.”

Kakashi made a nonsensical noise. There was good beer and bad beer, but in the end, it was all beer anyway. Alcohol didn’t need to be good to get you drunk. It was also free, so even if he didn’t like it, he’d drink it anyway. He was lucky that he never really particular about what he drank.

“So,” Tenzo prompted, “what’s keeping you up?”

Kakashi sighed and took a swig of beer. “Kisame’s loud.”

“Loud?”

“Yeah, Kisame and his boyfriend, Itachi, have been at it for days.”

“Rather you than me buddy,” Tenzo said. “Kisame must’ve forgotten to replace his seals.”

Kakashi frowned. Of course had to be some sort of supernatural element thrown into the mix. He let the conversation die out. He really didn’t know what to talk about. Sure, he had hours’ worth of stories he could share, but he didn’t really know Tenzo that well.

“What do you do for a living?” Kakashi asked.

“Not much,” Tenzo said. “I own a farm on the other side of the mountain.”

Of all the possible career paths he had envisioned for Tenzo, Kakashi never thought that a farmer would be one of them. Farms required a lot of attention and dedication. He didn’t know why the man would own a farm but live in the city.

“Are you secretly rich?” It was stupid question, but that was the only explanation he could think of that would allow Tenzo to have a farm and live away from it.

“Not really,” was the quiet reply. It sounded like an amused one too. “The farm pays for itself. It’s not big. I farm with peaches, so I don’t need to be there all that often. It would be another story if I had grapes. You can’t leave them alone too long. They’re needy plants. They like constant attention.”

Peaches. Kakashi had a neighbour that farmed with peaches. He had expected something more exotic, tamarinds maybe. Well, at least he had one normal neighbour. That was an upside. He needed someone normal. Normal was good, it was safe, and it was familiar. Up until a week ago, he had thought he was the only abnormal one. Now, he was more normal than his man-eating smurf of a neighbour. He looked up and stared up at the sky. Being in the middle of the city, he couldn’t see many stars. He couldn’t even make out the Milk Way.

A splash startled Kakashi. He was on his feet and ready to throw his beer bottle before he saw the cause. Iruka stared up at him with wide eyes. Kakashi had never felt more embarrassed. He had spilt beer over himself in his haste to attack an imaginary enemy. He made a soft sigh and sat back down and held out his hand to Tenzo.

“Can I have another beer?”

“Uh, sure.”

Once it was in his hand, Kakashi downed half of the beer. He felt like he needed to drown away his embarrassment. Drowning it away with alcohol was a good way to do that, but he would need more beer than what Tenzo had brought. He needed something stronger, like rum, or brandy, or vodka, either of those was good.

A terse silence floated between them. Kakashi made a point of not looking towards the pond where Iruka was floating around, making the occasional splash with his tail. He wondered if he had been cursed. Iruka seemed to have been able to acquire the ability to appear when Kakashi least expected him to and when he was about to be involved in some strange, supernatural happening, or when he just embarrassed himself. 

“Hey, Iruka,” Tenzo said.

Iruka rolled over from floating on his back and looked up at Tenzo. Kakashi noticed that Iruka’s hair was loose. The way it stuck to the sides of his neck and shoulders looked cute. Kakashi choked on his own spit.  He was mortified at his own thoughts. He felt like running back up to his room and smashing the bottle onto his head. He’d take listening to Kisame having sex over hearing thoughts like that. He did not want to develop _something_ for his landlord. His half merman, half witch landlord that liked to swim in the pond naked and play around with the water. No, just no. It was wrong, and it would only lead to trouble in the end, trouble and heartbreak.

That inspired a thought. He could possibly die from a broken heart. He hadn’t tried that before, but he didn’t think that would be a good way to die. Kakashi tried to think of a good reason to excuse himself as politely as he could. So far, he hadn’t come up with anything good.

“What?” Iruka asked. He didn’t sound like he was in the greatest of moods. “Is there another infestation of pixies?”

“No, I took care of that,” Tenzo said with a chuckle. “They don’t like honeysuckle, apparently. I don’t why, but they just don’t.”

Kakashi rolled his eyes. Pixies. What was next? A unicorn? A rainbow farting cat?

“Then what’s up?” Iruka drifted closer to them. He reached up and put his hands over Tenzo’s knees. “Are you having trouble absorbing water again?”

Kakashi looked away. It felt like he was intruding on something. _Time for bed, Hatake_ , he told himself. Quietly, he finished his beer and put it down by the other empty bottle. He stood up and walked back towards the stairwell.

“Hey,” Iruka shouted.

Kakashi stopped. He turned around and saw that Iruka and Tenzo were both looking at him.

“Park your ass back here,” Iruka ordered. “You don’t just drink my beer and leave.”

Kakashi was a bit surprised. He didn’t think they would notice him leaving. He heaved a sigh and walked back to the pond. He was tired, but he couldn’t just ignore his landlord. Maybe he would stay for one more beer if it was still being offered.

“Yeah?” Kakashi asked nonchalantly as he stood beside the pond, looking down at Iruka.

“I said park it.”

Kakashi resisted the urge to sigh again. He had done that a lot in the space of a single hour. He sat down and propped his chin into his palm. He hoped he looked thoroughly bored and indifferent. He had a million thoughts running through his head, and none of them were good. It also didn’t help that Iruka was floating around in the pond naked and looking sexy and mysterious with the light from the apartment building reflecting off of the water and twinkling on his skin. Then, when he looked at Tenzo, all his thoughts had a chain collision. It wasn’t that the man was unattractive. Kakashi just knew that Tenzo wasn’t his type.

“You weren’t listening again,” Iruka stated, not questioned. “Seriously, listen when I talk.”

“Sorry.” Kakashi honestly hadn’t heard a single thing. It wasn’t selective hearing as his father joked with him as a child. He just spaced out sometimes. He wasn’t the greatest at talking and thinking at the same time. It was either on or the other. “I’m all ears now.”

Iruka shook his head and quickly dipped under the water. Kakashi kept back another sigh. He would sound like a lovelorn idiot if the sighing kept up.  

“I need your help.”

Kakashi’s interested piqued at that. He knew he would say yes, even without knowing what Iruka wanted his help with.

“Do you know about the Akatsuki?” Iruka asked.

Kakashi shook his head. It sounded like a band name. He hoped Iruka didn’t need help finding some rare vinyl, because although he had his contacts, but it would be disappointing. He still felt the wanderlust bubbling in his chest. He wanted an adventure.

“Well, I need your helping in finding them.”

“Sorry?” Kakashi closed his eye and smiled. “I think I stopped listening for second. Finding them? Who are they, exactly?”

Iruka groaned and hit his hand in the water, creating a rather inexplicably large wave that crashed into Kakashi. He was drenched from head to toe.  


End file.
